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The Truth About ADHD and ODD is Debra Sale Wendler's look at ADHD and ODD and how it affects family dynamics. Read it online, save it, and feel free to pass it around
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Parenting Advice: What to do when your child says, “I hate you.”…
If your child yells, I hate you,” and you put on a hurt look or act like a pat of melted butter, he wins this round of emotional blackmail. It’s easier for him to verbally abuse “safe Mommy who loves him” than to face the hurtful truth, so it’s up to you to change.
Calmly say, “I give you permission to hate me. Do you need to hate me for ten or fifteen [double digit] minutes?” Let him choose.
Set the timer and leave the room. When it goes off, check on your child. If he is still scowling, say, “I see that you’re still daggering me with your eyes, so I’ll give you more time to be angry with me.” (Daggering is our word for the “looking though eye slits” sneer that your child uses to show you he is unhappy with you.)
“How many more minutes do you need to hate me this time, five or seven [single digit] minutes?” Allow him to choose. Set the timer and leave the room.
When the timer goes off this time, check with him and ask, “How do you feel? Have you changed your opinion about me?” Accept your child’s opinion. Thank him, give him a hug, and go on with what you were doing. This method also works when he says, “I’m mad at you,” “I’m angry with you,” and “You’re making me furious.”
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Sincerely yours in parenting success,
Debra Sale Wendler
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January 14th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
THANK YOU! I will absolutely give this a try next time we have one of these outbursts. Thankfully they’ve been rare, but we definitely need boundaries here and it never occurred to me to let him set a time limit to get himself under control.