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The Truth About ADHD and ODD is Debra Sale Wendler's look at ADHD and ODD and how it affects family dynamics. Read it online, save it, and feel free to pass it around
Adhd Parenting: A Poem About My Family’s Story
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Motivate Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com
It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.”
The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
ADHD Parenting: Should I Spank My Child With ADHD?
Respect Effect Mom answers:I’m 100% against spanking children for too many reasons to go into here.
Run don’t walk away from anyone that tells you to spank your child or recommends harsh punishment. It causes the fight or flight syndrome. It is harmful to your relationship with your child and his or her opinion of adults. And the damage is very difficult to undo if not impossible.
Look for a play therapist with experience in treating children with ADHD? For us, it was the turning point. And it was really fun for my son.
Don’t let the word “play” leave you cold. Kids with ADHD do not benefit from the talking kind of therapy. It bores them silly. They learn from playing and doing. That’s the ticket for improvement.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Motivate Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” PLUS you’ll get an 18-page email report “The Truth About ADHD and ODD.”
The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
ADHD Parenting: How Do I Convince My Ex To Give Our Son ADHD Medication?
Respect Effect Mom answers: Excuse the shuffling while I get on my soapbox. Often this refusal by fathers to medicate their children with ADHD (who need it) is
S E V E R E - D E N I A L.
Here’s what I assume is the conversation in these fathers’ heads. “If I refuse to medicate my son, then I am refusing to acknowledge that he has it. And therefore, I could not possibly have passed it to him through my genes.” They often couch their denial under the guise that meds are dangerous or unnecessary.
Sadly, some fathers take this stand to avoid paying their share of their children’s treatment costs. (That’s even worse.) It’s so tragic when a parent allows his ego to get in the way of his child’s chances for success.
That’s why I strongly recommend that any parent (of a child with ADHD) who’s contemplating divorce always do these three things without fail:
- Get your child a rock-solid diagnosis.
- Get your child’s teachers to complete in-class assessments on the child grades and classroom behavior (while on the medication). This is to document the before - when being administered the medication properly.
- Stipulate in the divorce settlement that the noncustodial parent MUST administer the child’s medication as prescribed during visitation. (Or however close you can get to that in your state.)
This is what I would say to a father who refuses to medicate his child with ADHD: “I can see why you may be reluctant to give our son his meds. However, the other side of the coin is this: kids with untreated ADHD often feel so miserable, and hurt so much from feeling like failures at school and with friends, that they drop out of school and turn to drugs and alcohol to soothe their pain. Often before they are 12, and not always in that order.”
Say it over and over and over again until he gets it. Bombard him with supporting articles and statistics. They’re easy to find.
Here’s the thing. If kids with ADHD are not receiving their prescribed medication, they’re MORE likely to become substance abusers later. When that truth finally sunk in, the decision got really easy for me, and I’ve never regretted it.
I know a woman with ADHD who started shooting up methamphetamine when she was 14 for that very reason. (Methamphetamine slows down kids with ADHD. For many people with ADHD, caffeine does, too.) She suffered a horrible childhood. Feeling as if something were wrong with her. As if she were bad. Now she has been diagnosed with ADHD and is on Concerta and loves her life again. So many years wasted. So much needless suffering.)
Please take this to heart. Understand, medication isn’t for everyone. Some children with ADHD have trouble taking it. Some children with ADHD can manage without it. That is why I do not make recommendations for or against ADHD medication.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Motivate Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Children Stealing and Lying: How to Stop Child Lying and Stealing
Stealing is a common misbehavior of children with ADHD. One of the characteristics of ADHD is impulsiveness—acting without thinking. When a child with ADHD sees something he likes, he often pockets it, puts it in his mouth, or walks away with it.
Later, when he has a quiet moment, he will take it out for a good look at what he got. If it is not as interesting as he thought, he might just discard it.
When a child is caught stealing, he lies impulsively to avoid losing his stolen loot and avoid discipline. (That’s why stealing and lying usually go hand in hand.)
The secret is to see the behavior clearly and stay calm. Address the elements rationally and you can get through this.
A child will steal for the following reasons:
* He likes shiny or glittery objects—so he takes them impulsively. This is common in kids with ADHD.
* He wants something to chew—so he steals food, gum, or sweets. Kids with ADHD often steal gum from convenience stores. These kids also chew on their shirt collars and sleeves.
* He wants to buy gum and sweets—so he steals money to buy them (common in older children with ADHD).
* He wants to get revenge—for example, if a classmate got him in trouble, he might steal a book from her school bag.
* He feels deprived, materially or emotionally—abandoned children steal, unconsciously to fill the empty feeling in their heart.
* He wants to escape from depression—pumped up with sneakiness and excitement from stealing, he can escape depression. He feels temporary excitement when he is chased.
Some parents just threaten, by saying, “If you steal in the real world, you’ll go to jail.” The child thinks, “Nothing happens to me when I steal at home and at school, so I might as well steal again and take my chances.”
A child might lie for the following reasons:
* He cannot admit he made a mistake (most common)—for example, broke a vase.
* He is afraid of punishment—he remembers the pain of when he was punished before.
* He wants to impress others with his background or abilities—for example, “My dad has 13 cars.”
* He does not want others to know about his embarrassing past—for example, he lives in a destitute part of town.
* He does not know the difference between the truth and a lie—because he lies so often. He forgets his lies, so he keeps others very confused.
Yelling, threatening, and screaming do not change your child’s stealing behavior.
Use the following guidance techniques for lying and stealing:
Make sure your child has three meals and two snacks each day. Keep a bowl of fruit available for snacking. Keep emergency sugarless gum handy in case your child appears desperate to chew on something. It will save many collars and shirt sleeves.
Catch your child every time he steals, and he must get logical consequences every time. Track down the origin of anything he says he found or was given to him. Insist on seeing a receipt for items he says he bought. Otherwise donate the item to charity or return it to the school lost and found.
Teach him the difference between “need” and “want.” When his eyes catch on something and he wants to reach for it, he must learn to ask himself, “Do I want it or need it?” If he just wants the pen his peer is holding, teach him to ask his peer, “May I hold/admire your pen for a few moments?”
To train this skill, gather a few novelty items (like those he may steal). Supervise him while he practices saying, “May I hold/admire your [novelty item] for a few moments?” Hand him the item and let him look at it for a few moments. Thank him when he returns it to you. At the end of this scientific experiment, give him a token. Teach him that he needs something if he cannot do without it, for example, air, water, food, and rest. If he needs something, he is justified to ask for it properly. For example, “Mom, it’s 6:00 p.m. Is dinner ready? If not, may I have a cookie because my stomach is growling?”
Teach your children to settle arguments with clear and assertive communication, not revenge.
Give your child ways to earn allowance with good behavior and good grades so that he can have spending money. (I recommend using a token system.) Let him spend it as he pleases, even for sweets. He earned it.
Give him logical consequences for each stealing event. One of the most compelling consequences is paying restitution of three times the value for stolen items. If your child has to pay three times the value of a $10 item and return the item, he will learn that it is worth waiting to buy it with allowance.
Train your child values and hold him accountable for his actions with logical consequences. If you use these methods consistently each time you suspect stealing, your child will probably decide that stealing is more trouble than it is worth.
You Can Solve This
Consistency is critical to a possible cure for children lying and children stealing..
I invite you to use these methods to transform quickly from reactive parent to surprisingly calm, cool, and collected parent worthy of attention and respect.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Residential Treatment: If You Have Lost Control of Your Child
If your parent-child relationship is too far gone and hormones and peer pressure have set in, your child’s behavior can rapidly escalate out of control, especially if substance abuse is involved. If you reach this stage, you must get professional help. A 12- or 13-year-old boy is strong and if he is aggressive or hostile, you might need extra help.
If he is out of control and your insurance will cover it, consider putting him in a residential treatment facility. If insurance does not cover it, try your local state-funded mental health center. Ask for an intake interview and a psychological evaluation. You might have to wait a while longer for government facilities versus private facilities, but your child will get the help he needs.
Preparing for Placing Your Child in Residential Treatment
If you have your own referral or resources and decide to place your child in residential treatment, do the preparation. First, toughen yourself and prepare for his verbal abuse to get even for that inevitable moment at the facility when told of impending placement. That is when kids often run. It is not wise to tell your child until he gets there and you have some backup arms and legs to keep him there. When your child is admitted, ask the residential staff what you can do at home to support their effort to change him.
If the facility has parent meetings, attend them responsibly.Ask the staff if they have parenting classes or if they can refer you to agencies offering classes with a similar treatment philosophy. You need to change to be firmer and smarter—no more doormat persona. After Your Child Is Placed in Treatment Never just sit back and congratulate yourself for finally getting rid of your kid. You will be too soft and out of practice to help him when the treatment center discharges him.
Too many parents of kids with ADHD make the mistake of unrestrained relief when their kids entered special school, residential treatment centers with impact units for schooling, or overseas boarding school. They pay the school tuition and treatment expenses, so they think that they have earned the relief. Rather than using that respite to brush up on skills, these parents stop going to ADHD support groups and plunge into a seemingly carefree lifestyle.
Unfortunately, their carefree days are short-lived. When the kids return for furloughs and long holidays, the parents feel more resentment and anger toward their kids, after having such a hassle-free, self-imposed vacation from their high-maintenance kids.
Kids Falling Through The Cracks
These parents have lost the ability to cope with such chaos even for short periods. Big ugly quarrels usually erupt, with parents feeling disrespected, dejected, and hopeless. The kids feel rejected, unloved, and primed for a destructive meltdown.
These parents’ kids were now primed for long-term residential treatment or some type of group home living arrangement. Kids who chronically run away from home live in a series of runaway shelters, 30 days at each stop. They do not stay long enough for school service. They do not have anyone to monitor their academic achievements to prepare them for the world of work and independent living and supporting themselves.Some of these parents, when money dried up, would approach the Child Protective Services (CPS) to take over their children.
They would sign abandonment papers. Other less-responsible parents would just disappear into thin air.
Heed This Warning!!!
This is the sad lose-lose scenario of untreated ADHD. You cannot afford NOT to adopt the Respect Effect Solution. You cannot afford not to train your child to be socially acceptable. You cannot afford not to prepare your child to be independent. Start today before it’s too late.
You Can Solve This
I invite you to use these methods to transform quickly from reactive parent to surprisingly calm, cool, and collected parent worthy of attention and respect.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Runaways: If Your Child Runs Away From Home, Here’s What To Do
If your child runs away from home, you must call the police for assistance. When it gets to this point, things can get out of control fast. If he runs away from home, first determine whether he is running away from or running to something, someone, or somewhere. Know where your children are at all times.
A child abducted by a stranger has a three-hour life expectancy. Most child abductions by strangers are sexually motivated. These predators often use the child as pornographic material and kill him or her immediately to hush and hide the evidence. Explain this hard cold fact to your child. Tell him, “If it ever gets bad enough that you think it’s better to run away than suffer at home, please tell me immediately. I promise I will help you get what you need, not judge you. I just want you to be safe.”
First-time runaway
If your child is under three years old, search immediately. He might have wandered off absentmindedly. If your older child makes verbal threats to run away, take this as a red flag to sit with him and listen to check his feelings—usually sad, disappointed, and hateful.
See if some talking will reassure him enough to change his mind. If you he may run away from home, begin 15-minute visual checks to keep constant supervision of his activities. Keep a record of what he wears each day. Weigh and measure him and have a recent picture ready in case he runs.If he runs away, first, search for an hour. Call his friends and look at his favorite hangouts, for example, the park; then, call the police.
Give them the specifics—your child’s age, height, weight, and color of eyes and hair. Describe his clothing and special features, including glasses, freckles, moles, and scars, if any. The police might come by to gather information to file a report. If you use a behavior chart or token system to manage your child’s behavior, take all of your child’s tokens. He did not take them with him (when he ran away), so he must not want them.Remain calm when your child returns on his own or with the police. First, check to see if he is physically injured. Ask him where he has been. Ask him to give you three reasons why he left without informing you. Share how you are feeling now. Ask him to tell you how he was feeling just before he left and how he is feeling now before you. See if you and he can learn something and come to some kind of understanding.
He can earn tokens by talking with you about his reasons and feelings. From this point on, keep the police telephone number next to the telephone. Your child should have three days of sight restriction with an adult. That means that he should stay within view of and be supervised by an adult.
Second-Time Runaway
Repeat the procedure for the runaway outlined above. This time, when processing, ask your child for three reasons why he wants to return home. Third-Time RunawayRepeat the procedure for the first and second times above. This time, when processing, explain to him that that you see a set pattern of running to or running from something. State that the family must go for counseling to prevent this from happening again.
Fourth-Time Runaway
Call the Juvenile Probation Department to see if it has a program to help chronic runaways. Understand that your child is telling you something repeatedly. Why are you not listening? Suspect that he has additional problems, for example, depression, substance abuse, or physical injury and deal with them promptly. A psychological assessment may be necessary and follow through on what the psychologist recommends.
You Can Solve This
I invite you to use these methods to transform quickly from reactive parent to surprisingly calm, cool, and collected parent worthy of attention and respect.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Child Protective Services: If You Get a Visit From CPS
If your child accuses you falsely of child abuse, understand this is a common and scary result of a damaged parent-child relationship. An angry and hurt child can lash out against you to other family members, non-custodial parents, caregivers, teachers, school counselors, therapists, and doctors.
Child Protective Services (CPS) workers know that a child rarely accuse parents with whom he has a good relationship. If you suspect that you may get a visit from CPS, clean and organize your household. It is difficult to think when you are emotional, so recall as much as you can. Write a list of the answers to these important questions:
- What happened?
- Who was involved?
- When did it happen?
- Where did it happen?
- How did it happen?
- What led to the incident?
- Why did it happen?
- Were there any witnesses?
If you get a visit, stay calm.
CPS workers are trained to study bruises and injuries. Admit it if you struck your child because you “lost it.” Although it will be difficult for you to confess that you hit your child, it might open the door to ask for help for yourself and your child. CPS might offer assistance to order a psychological test, parenting classes to help you manage your child, and a referral to a counselor who knows how to work with kids with ADHD.
They can help you manage the home situation and routine.If you are innocent, invite the CPS investigator to your home to look at the floor plan. Let them see where the alleged incident occurred. The key is to be calm. If you act defensively, are emotional, and use foul language, the intake worker might opt for a court hearing.
Then you will lose more time and patience. Train your child values and hold him accountable for his actions with logical consequences. If you use these methods consistently each time you suspect stealing, your child will probably decide that stealing is more trouble than it is worth.
You Can Solve This.
I invite you to use these methods if you are falsely accused of child abuse by your child. It is much easier to mend your damaged parent-child relationship. You can do it in only three weeks with a 15-minute investment a day.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Child Stealing: If Your Child Steals from School
Be alert, be aware, and check his belongings and backpack. Be suspicious of the big red warning signs—things he says he “found” or “someone gave to him.” Make the “finding” excuse less attractive. If your child says he found something, immediately go with him to turn it in where he “found” it. If he steals library books, have regular room checks and ask your child to return library books to the library. Confront him with the theft and take tokens each time.
Donate some of his personal books to the library. He must pay the fines with his allowance. Use library restriction as a last resort.
Train your child values and hold him accountable for his actions with logical consequences. If you use these methods consistently each time you suspect stealing, your child will probably decide that stealing is more trouble than it is worth. You Can Solve This
Consistency and follow through is critical to a possible cure to children stealing.
I invite you to use these methods to transform quickly from reactive parent to surprisingly calm, cool, and collected parent worthy of attention and respect.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Child Stealing: If Your Child Steals From You
Children steal for many reasons, especially children with ADHD. If you suspect that your child is stealing from you, you need to take urgent and immediate action before he develops a stealing habit.
Prevention is the key here. Have a talk with your child and explain that you want to teach him the important skills of honesty. Explain that you want him to take and hold only items that are his. And that you are starting a new rule that if anyone steals anything from a family member, they must not only return it, but also repay 3 times the original value of the item. Illustrate this concept in several ways so you are certain that you child understands this concept. Leave some money out in sight and watch closely.
If you notice that some of the money is missing and you suspect that your son took it, explain the consequences and follow through. Meanwhile, start locking up your purse and jewelry out of sight. And do not allow guests’ purses to be left unattended in the house with your child.
If your child is already a chronic thief, it may be worthwhile to post a surveillance camera in the house near where purses are left most often. Even a fake one with a blinking light may be persuasive enough to prevent stealing.Explain to your child that if he sees something valuable lying around, it is most likely intended to test his honesty. Teach him to walk right past it without touching it.
Train your child values and hold him accountable for his actions with logical consequences. If you use these methods consistently each time you suspect stealing, your child will probably decide that stealing is more trouble than it is worth. You Can Solve This
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com
Children Stealing: What to Do if Your Child Steals From Friends
Parents of children with ADHD commonly complain of their children stealing.
If you notice your child playing with an unfamiliar item, for example a pocket knife, ask him where it came from. If he says he found it, back off for a while. At least an hour later, say, “Son, I want you to sit on the sofa for five minutes while you decide what you’re going to tell me about this knife.”
If he tells you he took it from his friend, say, “Tell me three reasons that knife could be worth losing your friend.” Review the problem-solving steps (from Session 33) with your child. You will probably decide he needs to write an apology letter (see Session 7) and read it to his friend and return the knife. Your child must also pay restitution of three times the value of the knife.
He may opt to replace the value with an item of higher value that he knows the child desires. Your child may need to sign a loan agreement from you to repay the price of the replacement item with extra chores he lists. Accompany your child to his friend’s house. Rehearse with him in advance that he will say. For example, “Tim, I’m really sorry I took your knife. I don’t know what I was thinking.
I don’t think I was thinking at all. No knife is worth losing your friendship. Will you please forgive me?” After your child delivers his heartfelt apology, he must return the stolen item and pay his friend restitution.When you return home, don’t be surprised if your humbled child says, “Mom, thank you for helping me solve my problem. I didn’t want to do it, but now that I did, I know I did the right thing. I feel a lot better.” Simply say, “Son, you make me proud.”
Train your child values and hold him accountable for his actions with logical consequences. If you use these methods consistently each time you suspect stealing, your child will probably decide that stealing is more trouble than it is worth.
You Can Solve This
Consistency and follow through is critical to a possible cure of children’s stealing.I invite you to use these methods to transform quickly from reactive parent to surprisingly calm, cool, and collected parent worthy of attention and respect.
If now is a good time to get your child’s attitude and behavior under control, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started. If you want more tips, I invite you to claim your free report “Seven Simple Ways to Get Your Child to Listen to You!” You can download it when you sign up at http://www.AdhdParentingTips.com It explains the methods I used to transform my son’s ADHD/ODD behavior from out-of-control to almost normal in 3 weeks. You also get 3 free videos: “How To Prevent Temper Tantrums.” The sooner you start this, the easier it is to help your child. You CAN do this.
From Debra Sale Wendler - Respect Effect Mom and Respect Effect Parenting at http://www.AdhdParentingSuccess.com